THREE WISE GUYS
[A play I wrote for stage some years back to be acted out by Three Wise Guys.]
Written By DAF

'Look, I don't care what you say, but he doesn't know his ass from his elbow'.
'If you say so, but I think he is smarter than he is letting himself on to be'.
'We can talk like this all day and say what we like but it's not going to change anything'.
'So, what we do now'.
'I'm thinking, give me time on it ... but we have to find him'.
'Take all the time you need, in the meantime are you going to eat that sandwich, that is, not to let it go to waste, that is .... if you don't mind like, that is .... please'.
'I'm sick of this playing God game, the God with the big 'G' game, where is He now in all of this mess'?
'I can't answer that, He doesn't tell me what His plans are'.
'That's it, make a joke of it all, a wise guy, that's all we need around here now, another wise guy'.
'Look why don't we wait till he comes back'.
'Who ..... God with the big 'G'' game plan.
'Maybe, now who's the wise guy'?
'What did I do to deserve this'?
'I can't answer that either'.
'Look Mr, this is not a joking matter, we need him back here, I'm not doing this on my own, I can't, I just can't'.
'O.K. keep your crown on ......When was he here last'?
'No idea, the last thing I heard was the door closing'.
'Well that's it then, he is not coming back'.
'What makes you say that'?
'Just a feeling ..... just a feeling'.
'Well I hope you and your 'feeling' is wrong because I can't do this, I don't have the stomach for it'.
'But you were able to eat'.
'Look, any more smart remarks from you and there's no telling what I will do'.
'Touchieeee'. '
'I told you, no more wisecracks. I won't tell you again'.
'O.K. ..... promise .......... touchieeee'.
And the door opened. Lo and behold .. he was back.
'Where the hell were you'?
'Outside'
'I can see that .... why'?
'To look for the camels'.
'Another wise guy. that's it I've had it with you two'.
'If you wanted a smoke I still have a pack here, you could have one of mine'.
''Thanks but no thanks ... I am done with smoking ... for today that is ... maybe I should try to give up, what do you think, do you think I should give it up, or is it too late ... you know ... late ... no, never to late, what'.
'Give up what'?
'Smoking ... Camels, you know, Camels'.
'Will you two shut up, you are driving me stir-crazy'.
'So, tell me, did you see any'?
'Any what'?
'Camels'
'No'
'That's disappointing. In a way, I was hoping you might have'.
'Yea .... me too'.
'If you two don't give it over I will not be held responsible for the actions that I might take here today'.
'What's up with him'?
'I don't know ..... he's been like that since you went missing, sorrieeee, looking for camels. Maybe you should have told him you were going outside to look for camels'.
'Didn't think ..... anyway why should I, it would only upset him all the more and you know how he gets when he is upset, it will be like 'total recall' to the old ways'.
'Good and bad ... yea, sometimes I want a 'recall'.
'Here, no charge to you my friend ... just dial this number, it recalls... I do it all the time .... redial-recall ... don't tell .... tell-a-phone ... get it'.
'Anyway, he is not the same. He has changed ... you know, since last night, and look at that look in his eyes'.
'Yea .... and moody too ... but don't remind me, and don't remind him ... I didn't want to hear about it all over again and him doing his fair share of ranting again and again about it'.
'What are you two whispering about ..... you don't think I don't know you are talking about me and the other night'
'It was last night .... it was last night, have you lost it'.
'Funny very funny ..... it's still there, that 'STAR' .....I am looking at it right now'.
'We know it's still there ..... we can see it from here too'.
'So .... what are we going to do about it'?
'I told you I was thinking about it'.
'Well I did my part ... I went looking for camels .... now that I remember I did see tracks'.
'Well well, what have we got here .... a bleeding tracker now, or were they railway tracks you saw ..... what, come on, be certain about this, what do you mean tracks'?
'Tracks, like tracks on the ground ... I don't know, what other tracks are there'.
'That's what we are trying to find out, dummy'.
'I strongly take offense to you calling me dummy'.
'Fine, take offense and get off the fence too, I'm giving it out free today, no charge for the advice.
'Will you two stop this fine conversation you are having and let's get back to the business at hand? ... OK, now, again, do you think they might be camel tracks'?
Don't know like'.
'No, you have to be sure about this'.
'I told you, I don't know like'.
'Did it look like a camel's foot .... or is the word, hoof ..... foot or hoof ... hoof or foot ... hoof-foot ... foot-hoof .... fuck-the-hoof'.
'Stop it, stop itttttt .. they were tracks, that I know and could be camels for all I know, I'm no expert'.
'O.K. take it easy, keep your hair on'.
'Are you getting it up for me ..... can't you see I am bald'.
'O yea, sorry'.
'A bold camel rider .... giddy up'.
'What'.
'Nothing'.
'I am not going to tell you two again, give it over'.
'Give what over. It's not me that has the camels'.
'Funny man again, are we ? ... we have a situation here'.
'You are telling me we have a situation'.
'Yea ... that's what I said, we have a situation'.
'Right, so we have a situation ... now what'?
'Hey, do you guys smell anything funny'?
'It wasn't me'.
'No .. not that kind of smell, do you not smell camel'.
'What do you know how a camel smells like, the only camel smell you know is in that pack there on the table'.
'My head is buzzing. This is all too much for me. I can't keep track of it all.
'Don't you start that again'.
'We have to get a hold of ourselves. Find the camels and take it from there'.
'Take what from there'?
'Don't you start again? I am surrounded by fools, help me'.
'Sounds good, fools and all and that bit about 'getting a hold on ourselves' .... always wanted to ride a camel, holding myself on the 'bit' mind you'.
'Me too'.
'Do you remember that song two little boys, now how does it go again .. clime up here and ....'
'I am not going to tell you two again, give it over, now this is my plan ... we will go outside and look for the camels, all three of us ... together... and that Star too'.
'O.K. but one problem, how are we going to get outside ... they will not let us out, or do you think they will open the door for us and help us to look for the camels ... I do hope so. I really want to ride on a camel holding my 'bit'. Oh, I soooo much want to ride on a camel ... it will make my day .. now, how did that song go .. climb up here'.
'You were .. was outside'.
'Yes but only for a pee'.
'But you said you saw tracks'.
'I did, and I made more tracks with my pee too ... now I know I did ... I remember, it's all coming back to me, just needed some time to remember. I know I did see tracks ... but camel, I don't know, maybe pee-tracks'.
'Too much .. this is all too much for me to take. I am going out of my little mind if I am not there all ready.
'You see, we can go out, if he can do it so can I'.
'Me too .. let's go see pee-tracks'.
The door unlocks and in comes the night nurse with the 'nurture pills' ...
''O.K. you wise guys, look alive, time for your medication, and please, please, don't give me any more talk about camels, pee-tracks, and a 'bleeding star' winking at you, I don't have time for this tonight .. and for your further information I am off on holidays tomorrow, the next two weeks in Egypt, sand sun and camels ... away from this place, but I will say 'hello' for you to all the camels and stars that I will see ... nowww ..... who's your friend then coming with the 'goodies' .. pink for you my camel friend, green for you my little star gazer and white for you my coo-coo friend and none for me .... You will all feel better after your medication, trust me.
Have a nice day you guys and be good while I'm away. Anyone doing camel rides around here for the next couple of weeks will be me ....... me on a camel ... imagine that''.

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